What Do I Write About

He asked me why I don’t write poems anymore
I wondered myself
I realized I was often sad as a teenager
Sad for reasons that I created within
I hunted for loneliness, spent time in darkness
I loved being by myself in the night on the terrace for hours
Not a moment of stillness though
I used to lose myself in thoughts
Thoughts, at times, which I would not dare to think in the daylight
I discovered a lot about myself & the extent to which I could imagine
I could have become a writer, a novelist…but I was content thinking
My mind was shrouded with conventions
Few choking experiences and many unfulfilled desires
Few mundane things that seemed natural, were nevertheless shackles
I was breaking free in my imaginings,
However, only because I didn’t like them
I did not understand why I didn’t
And in this confusion I minced words to form poems
At times the poems stated obvious desires
At times vicarious pain, very individualistic
At times meandering purposefully to attract attention
To the fact that all’s not well
They said that I was rebellious
They said I was belligerent unnecessarily
I was like that with those who were mine, family
I wish I were like that with others
But I couldn’t learn to, they made me cultured
Many a times it is still difficult to say what I feel

Who do I blame?
I feel my heart sinks with each pulse
I blame my work, people I work with
The conditions I work in
The reasons I work for
Yet, I have what one would “kill for”
I have to search for reasons to be sad
And I find them
Family, friends, obligations, responsibilities, aspirations,
Expectations, work, money, future,
Others, war, war mongers, innocent lives on the line, selfish sectors, diseases, poverty, oppressed, opulence, indifference, deceit
Nothing has changed, history of human emotions and sufferings
Long before me and now things still echo deja vu
Sadness is for tomorrow which shall carry over the echo

Why?
We know perhaps
Maybe poems can help
At least help me vent my frustration
Or others’ frustrations through my words
Just some more strokes in the history of resistance
Soon to be overpowered, yet again, by those who have money, those who have power, those who need to protect what they have looted & those with God by their side
I know, yet I write

Why?

~Amrita